we're drinking my friend/to the end/of a brief episode

so where to start?

*online crush gone awry. as usual, it's all on me. me deciding it's foolish to start something up so soon before leaving, freaking out about getting involved with someone when i wasn't sure that i wanted to, and finally realizing that i am so much happier when i'm on my own and not complicating matters with stuff like, plans... and other human beings. even the ones that i like. i feel like an asshole who led him on and considering the recent emails in which he regurgitates things i had written in old emails, he feels the same way. everyone was just so encouraging that i give it a go, even after the first date when my reaction was "he's sweet but i don't see myself dating him." everyone has been telling me that i should get out there, etc. but i'm starting to wonder if it's another one of those things that you're "supposed to do" to be happy. but i think i was happier when i wasn't trying- guy-wise, if it happens, it'll happen, but right now i'm perfectly content. i did get a glimpse of what it must have been like for E. to be around someone who liked you so much and feel uncomfortable about it, though. which brings me to part two-

*i piss off/hurt lily. we're good now, but i had been freaking out about March & the impending presence of E. and the fuckwit and the possibilities of crossing paths with them. which of course i didn't even need to bring up as there's no way that she would put any of us in the awful position of having to see each other. clearly still bitter and unforgiving of the fuckwit's "dishonest, untrustworthy, phony" message and E.'s silent agreement. although let's face it, they're no longer alone in their opinion of me.

*landlady's crazy daughter drama. two wednesdays ago, x+j and i are enjoying Project Runway as we do, when we heard loud voices from downstairs. followed by the squawk of a police radio. we looked out of our front window to find 3 police cars and all our neighbors crowding around. we're all in awe and wonder what could be going on, although we all suspect that it has something to do with the landlady's daughter- V. V tends to sneak out in the middle of the night, keep secret kittens and pretty much is just a mysterious, possibly shady character. The next day we discover that V has run away. She was missing all weekend, until on Monday, our landlady told us that she'd been found. many questionable things were discovered in her room- condoms, phone messages from strange men, and addresses- one for a chinese fast food restaurant and the other for an adult video store. V was staying with her father for a while, theoretically to be away from the bad influences. however, last night at 2 in the morning, our doorbell rang. i went downstairs with x to see what was up- it was V- only V without most of her hair, looking quite different. but rather than knocking on her mom's door and sleeping there, she said she was going to sleep in the hallway. we all wondered what to do until we realized that her dad probably had no idea that she'd left, so called our landlady. some banging of doors and then total silence. crazy.

i guess that catches me up on the blog. i'm stressed, depressed and sick of it all. i wish i was already back in miami, home with my family. they're sort of the only people i feel may be impervious to me. i'm seriously starting to think i'm one of those people who just fucks up anyone they come into contact with- or at the very least makes any situation a giant mess. last night x and i were talking about people who buy greeting cards way early- and i told him that i'd done that once, but by the tiime the person's birthday came around we weren't speaking anymore. i think of all the people who have just slowly disappeared/been exorcised from my life and it's shocking to see how often it happens- Kristi, Diana, Rosie, Alina, Matt, Kim, Edwin & now this- it makes me think i'm a pretty toxic person. maybe it's good that i'm more comfortable/happy being on my own, hanging out at home. it's making the world safe for unsuspecting humans.

-rick
not as depressed as he sounds in this blog entry.
listening to: my ipod. which i am very angry with as it has lost some of the play count information for many songs and totally fucked up my favorite playlist. hmmph. at the moment it's "mil besos" by Patty Griffin from 10,000 Kisses. Which reminds me- check out my myspace page to hear this amazingly beautiful song by Patty- http://www.myspace.com/captbackfire
bookbag: Thank You For Smoking by Christopher Buckley
dvd player: City of God. which i won't have time to watch thanks to the kookiness with my work schedule.
title quote: Frank. "One More For the Road"
celebrity sightings: 0
YTD Sightings-6
what (matty said that) i wish i'd said: It's like there's some heaving molten crazy just under the surface and right now you can see the glowing red through the cracks