you know what? you know what? you know what? ...shut the fuck up!

i think i start to feel better for a bit and think i can deal with everything, but it doesn't take long before i'm back to feeling down. maybe one thing this whole experience has taught me is that whole 'the grass isn't always greener...' lesson. i felt i was missing something in miami, came here and find that i'm missing what i already had. I'm not naive enough to think that anyone ever feels like their lives are perfect. living in Miami i felt that there were these giant holes in my life... some of them have been filled here, but none of them are as gigantic as the hole that's been growing since i moved- the feeling of loss i have about being away from my family. i would give anything if i could combine all the best parts of my life somehow, but it's just not possible. hell, if i could do that i might also be able to travel back in time and stop myself from doing stupid things like dropping out of school, getting myself into an unsurmountable amount of credit card debt and ever meeting Matt Levine or Edwin.
i don't want to care about any of it anymore. if it wasn't for the money thing (oh, money how you suck) i would pick up and leave right now. i find myself trying to disconnect already. and of course, i've met someone, who likes me, who i could totally like if it wasn't for the fact that i'm thinking "what's the point, when i'm leaving?" and i wish i could have left like yesterday. the decision's been made, why am i delaying this? it's been suggested that i at least give it until July... and I've considered that. but it's like, why become any more rooted when it's going to be hard enough to leave as it is?
It's the job... having to ask for the transfer back to Miami... I absolutely don't want to work at my old store. Not after the manager in charge of helping me get my transfer here sent me up without a job, i don't think i could stand to be near him. and working at the BN here has been the job i've enjoyed the most and having to go back to one of the ass backwards BNs in Miami is going to suck. a lot. but then, so will learning to drive and having to deal with a car. but that's one thing that i'm thinking will have to happen for me to live back home... because after living with x+j and all of the friends i have here, the thing i'll miss most is the subways- or at least the independence they give me. of course the transit system in miami sucks- the buses are fewer & farther between, which means a trip to work could take 2 hours- if the bus even shows up on schedule.
but the point is that despite it's imperfections, home is where i want to be.
besides, maybe i can convince them to move to Fort Myers or something.

-rick

listening to: 50 foot wave/Golden Ocean. because it's loud and aggressive.
bookbag: In Cold Blood by Truman Capote
dvd player: Mary Tyler Moore: Season Three
title quote: 50 Foot Wave, "Pneuma" from Golden Ocean
celebrity sightings: 0 (where, hiding away in my room? i think not.)
YTD Sightings-5